Subdued Sunday - Birthday Bants

Ah yes, I’m feeling very subdued today, some might even say slightly delicate. You see today is a day dedicated to the memory of my birth. A whole day dedicated to me, surely not me alone I know many other people “celebrating” today. The strange thing is I don’t feel like celebrating. I feel like resting my weary bones and hiding from the realisation that I am one year OLDER. I don’t understand why I can’t just embrace it. I mean, I technically look the same as yesterday and I feel the same, but my passport indicates different, that I’m in a new catchment. It’s called late twenties. Ehhhh, a feel shudder down my spine at the thought of growing ever closer to a new decade. It’s been 7 years since I had to deal with that craic ; it’s only ever happened twice I’m not used to it yet! The aesthetically obsessed demon who lives between my heart and my brain likes to think it can blame the media for how I'm feeling, but it can’t really. Look at J-Lo. 45 still hot, hot still at 45. Aside from the physicality of ageing, there's also the fear of not having my act together. I can only blame myself for filling my head with false hope as a child and teenager. Fooling myself into thinking I’d be so grown-up, mature, sorted, life-in-order by 27 and in fact, I am not. 

But what does that mean anyways? Having your life sorted?  Does that mean the good job, the hot husband, the amazing home and perfectly well behaved beautiful kids? It couldn't be. I’m beginning to feel as though if I had my life “sorted” by definition that would mean, that’s it. Done, checklist complete, time to stop living. I really don’t think I’m in a position to that now, or ever in fact. Life is a journey that never ends meaning you can never really get sorted. We need to stop beating ourselves up for not being in a place we thought we'd by now back when we were 12. What did 12 year old me know anyways, she was a know-it-all who knew nothing! It's not the exterior me that makes me who I am, it's my spirit. So my spirit’s about 19 and I’m sticking to that.

On this day every year I like to reflect on all the amazing and wonderful gifts people have given me over the years. Being the baby of the family I have been spoilt. I’ve have had stunning clothes, jewelry and even holidays bought for me, but one gift has always stood out to me as the best in my eyes. To me it’s not the monetary value of the gift but of the sheer happiness it brings to you when you receive it. My sister doesn't know it but she was the one who gave it to me. I was about 7 and obsessed with Boyzone. I’ll never forget waking up and my sister had a small square gift wrapped up for me. It was a framed photo of Boyzone and I think she possibly could have forged Stephen Gately’s signature for comedic effect. So simplistic but I loved it. I was gutted when I dropped it and smashed the frame, but however the memory lives on. 

As I grow older my appearance will alter and I might act a tiney tiny bit more mature, but one thing will never change. I will always be a party animal. 

Thanks for reading. 

Maria :) X